Trauma is more than just paying someone to tell you to self regulate and more than just expectations of asking you to show kindness and compassion.
If you have lived at that level of abuse, you will understand and know that not only is this unkind, but ineffective in the long term.
This is no more than just literal bypassing, and delaying the entire process.
I am calling this out.
Speaking from a place of multiple abuse, having this mindset will not remedy the situation nor help the abused or survivors of trauma and abuse recoup their sense of self which has been lost through fragmentation.
We are under the expected impression that self regulation can prevent fragmentation but it does not. 99% of abuse cases are caused by unsuspecting circumstances which involves the element of shock, broken trust, unexpected behaviour that results from people you least expect them to abuse and cause trauma. There is almost always an element of trust involved that result in serious trauma and abuse.
The imprint from these shock waves are not preventable.
We can preach when self regulation works on perpetrators and not on the abused and trauma survivors. And that such methods and tools work on the perpetrators and with empirical evidence.
I think the more pertinent question to ask in trauma and abuse prevention is whether we are expecting children to ‘self regulate’ in the face of trauma and abuse, narcissistic abuse, especially psychological and emotional abuse where there are no visible scars present.
Are we expecting children to self regulate and impose absolutely no control or preventative measures against the abusers themselves. Hence the above mentioned types of abuses are never considered in the realm of domestic abuse and domestic violence.
Psychological and emotional abuse can occur consistently, sometimes throughout the rest of their lifes.
Basically there is not much difference between the abused child and the abused child who grew up to adulthood.
Can we please shift the focus back on the abusers, the perpetrators and not the trauma and abuse survivors. Thank you.
Victim shaming such as blaming them for their non regulation, triggers, and all kinds of derogatory remarks on their personality and ‘non responsiveness’ is secondary trauma. This method and approach definitely does not work. The trauma and abuse survivors remain unseen and unheard, only that they are to be blamed for their inability to regain control from events which are beyond their control. And often, reactive abuse is something that the lay person and even professionals can’t seem to quite understand the mechanics of themselves, because it is just so complex. And all at the same time, abusers and perpetrators run around wild, free, and repeat the abuse on other victims.
Bear in mind that perpetrators and abusers usually have a charming exterior and demeanor and their psychopathic tendencies are well hidden, undetected. And many times the same perpetrators are perpetrating the same kind of violence at home. The home where silence thrives.
Instead of badgering abused children or adult children of already sordid circumstances, speaking up against abuse will help trauma and abuse survivors better than just subjecting them to more interrogation, subjugation and degrading treatment.
For those seeking for reference against real abuse and survivors of abuse, I personally recommend Jen Fraser, PhD work and research. She is a personal friend and the author of The Bullied Brain and is written by someone who actually knows what the ordeal is all about and backed by evidence and findings.
We all know that science has a long way to catch up when it comes to concrete evidence. The point is to stop the abuse and not capitalize on trauma abuse and survivors whom have already been through enough ordeals as it is, from all areas.
Jen Fraser’s work has placed more weight and shifted the court’s perception in her landmark case and set a precedent for all those perpetrators who think they can walk away with no conscience after subjecting trauma and abuse survivors to unspeakable acts of torment.
Before we even go to a place of post conviction treatment and rehabilitation, there is a need for an integrative approach not because the court systems have failed us, but rather, because those whom are responsible in helping are focusing their expertise and attention on the aftermath and not on the preventative measures. Remember, what we do is to make a difference and not move around in herd mentality with the same insanity we call results.
Having said that, even where there is focus on the aftermath, the responsibility goes further than just administrative, but rather, on their professional oath, ethics and the basis of all medical and non medical practitioners and healers to do right by. This is backed by science and is the core of the delivery of justice and integration that is sorely lacking. The justice system requires active participation from field experts and if you are looking elsewhere and not where you should be, than that is something that weighs heavily on your own personal conscience. The fairness of the court system is the responsibility of the courts. But the justice system depends on our collective integrity and our own participation in the legal justice system.
I have no space here to touch on issues concerning parenting skills vs genuine cases of domestic violence and abuse. Because truly, how do we know? We live in a society that demands of us to mind our own business. That is why domestic abuse and violence thrives behind closed doors. But there is another prevalent form of abuse and one which bears plenty of controversial issues as to whose responsibility it is. And that is ped0philic abuse. It runs rampant, is more common than we think, destabilizes the core identity of the child and leaves unspeakable torment and destruction throughout their lifes.
How do we expect them to self regulate?
At what point do we ask them to stop abusing others because they have experienced unspeakable acts of torment and a true violation of their innocence.
This is why we do the work we do.
It is more than just about self regulation.
The Perpetrator self regulates.
This is the breakthrough we all need in a more humane society.
As for the Survivors, one thing we can focus on, it is the injury and the extent of the injury inflicted unto them. And if science can proof that these injuries are reversible.
Then we can start talking, and have serious conversations.
I no longer want to spend time justifying the abuse or be gaslighted during therapy. Because I am just too tired.
Too tired from fighting for a space in the abuse. That what I say is irrelevant.
I am not narcissistic. I seek the help and healing that works for me.
This is part of that process and experience has taught me to trust in the process of this healing modality I am working with. And this is me trusting that process.